For most of us, making friends seems like a straight-forward process: find kids you like, play with them on the playground during recess and lunch, and after school invite them over to your house. In reality, however, children’s social lives don’t work that way. I’ve had kids going to school for twenty-two years, and the dynamics I saw with my oldest son are the same ones I saw with my youngest. Right off the bat, in kindergarten even, a pegging order of popularity is established. This hierarchy is based on different factors: looks, intelligence, athleticism, and how well connected parents are. After all parents look for other parents they can get along with, and, even better, have something in common with.
At the top of the totem pole is the A list or In-Crowd, two or three boys and girls whom everybody wants to play with. Typically below them are two other levels. On the bottom is the C list, usually two, maybe three boys and girls whom nobody is rushing to play with. In the middle is everybody else, the B list, the ones who on a lucky day will get invited to an A lister’s home; but, in general, spend most of their time playing with other B’s, or, if they get desperate, C’s. This hierarchy is a relatively stable fact of life that kids have to deal with every day they go to school. Its relevance peaks between grades 5 to 10 and starts waning in grades eleven and twelve, when the playing field seems to level off.
What happens in high school is kids become more autonomous, not as superficial, and are less likely to follow the crowd. Adolescents in general start developing lives of their own, and don’t have as much time to get wrapped up into social affairs. Also, parents have little or nothing to say about who their kids hang out with. In fact, parent’s remarks may even have the opposite effect of what parents want, with their kids deliberately spending time with kids they don’t like. Some kids move up in their popularity ranking. They find a group they fit in with. These are usually kids whose parents were engaged in their child’s social life all throughout elementary school, coaching them on how to act and be a good friend.
Getting back to kindergarten. Let’s say, your son, Jimmy, seldom gets invited to other children’s homes. You may have to take matters in your own hands and invite Jimmy’s friends over to your house. Try to set up successful play dates so everyone has fun, and Jimmy’s friends want to come back. If Jimmy doesn’t play well with other kids, it’s better that you set up the play dates at your own home. This way you can teach Jimmy how to share, take turns, be nice, and handle frustration when things don’t go his way. When Jimmy goes to someone else’s house you don’t know how much supervision the other parent is providing. They may be busy and leave the kids to their own devices. The last thing you want is a phone call asking you to pick Jimmy up, because he lost his cool.
Also, not all children adapt well to different environments. They might lose their composure and do things they ordinarily wouldn’t if they were at home. Maybe they get pushy with what games to play, or start crying if they don’t get their own way, or eat all the cheesey nacho chips. Until you feel confident your child can handle themselves across a range of frustrating situations, I would take it easy on the playdates.
I’m not saying you should park yourself in the same room the kids are playing in, and instruct your child on how to behave: just be around, and watch what is going on. Try to let children work out situations on their own; but if the kids start arguing, it’s time to intervene before someone gets mad or hurt. It’s best to handle things as nonchalantly as possible, and not embarrass children in front of their friends. I quite often would follow up with my kids when their friend went home, on what went right or wrong, and how they could change it for next time.
Try to play down the competitiveness in games. Children have a natural desire to win, and this can get in the way of the main goal, which is to have fun. Whenever there is a winner, there is also a loser. Young children are not always happy to lose.
Have a rule that each child gets a turn at picking what they play. After 15 minutes it’s time to switch gears and let the other child choose what they want to play. As children get older you can extend the time, but in the beginning keep it short. They can always go back to a game later, if they both enjoyed playing it.
I prefer creative building games like Playmobil and Brio. Our oldest son used to spend hours with his friend setting up their armies. The finale would be when they each brought in their cannons and completely destroyed each other’s army. We also had Karaoke games where children sang into a microphone; some even came with drums and a guitar so they could pretend to be in a rock band.
There’s a definite limit as to how far parents should go in helping their kids make friends. Trying too hard can easily back-fire on a kid. Other kids know when children are buying friends or trying too hard to impress them. Some kids might take advantage of them, or even start bullying them. If you feel Becky has gotten into a rut she might not be able to dig herself out of; consider placing her in another school or district, and giving her a fresh start. We did this with two of our children, and in both instances it worked out for the best.